I journeyed for so long—past dark houses and gutted storefronts, miles of barbed wire—
until I came upon an opening. A clearing.
Where whirlwinds of emotion moved through me, breaking the austere vacancy of my mind.
From too many sounds to so much silence.
The sea before me, made of vast tribulations; the sky heavy with clouds of impatience—
and here I had to yield to a direction of significance.
Thoughts poured in, dwelling on my dreams like a barge of ice—
salt-worn, warming, dying for love.
And I wondered what she knew.
Did she know how I take my coffee?
Did she know I love the color red—did she know how I take my steak?
Did she know my insensible expectations?
Or how cruel I truly am?
This thing between us was a rare, precious kind of rarity—
the same quality I should have been.
And now her head was locked into mine,
the dirt of my flesh touching her pain with sincerity.
Her innocent face. Her tender cries.
I couldn’t let go.
And I lied to myself that it would be alright.
But I knew it wasn’t alright. I knew it would never be alright.
Poor thing—so weary of time.
And she, struggling, leapt naked into my dangerous mind
to tend me day and night.
Did she know how heavy my heart beats?
Sustained by dark breath, struggling to keep my feet on the ground—
step by step, faster now, my footprints pressed into the furrows of her brain.
And oh, the way she threw her head back—
worked her mouth, wrestled just to speak.
Our own language broke through:
a few important words, a lot of sweet sounds—
something in-between the breaths,
a wordplay so intense,
and then that engulfing silence.
Fewer ways to feel.
Still, I wanted her to know:
I couldn’t let go.
And all she did was feel.
Her hands of prayer pressed me.
Mine clutched her face—sin and burning, over and over.
Her soft hands. Gentle hands.
And in the half-darkness, I saw her.
My dead hands.
My dead stringencies.
And all I did was run—
from the water in my throat into hers,
toward a reality in my soul
I could not bear.
She served me so that she could sleep and dream.
And I killed her.
art by Amy Kosina Instagram